It is a truth universally acknowledged, that I am NOT a morning person. As a child, there were many a mornings that my mother would wake me in violent and terrifying ways. Sometimes she would just flip on my bedroom light. As if the burst of sudden fire light in my eyes was not enough, a flippant but cheery “Up and at ’em!” would usually punctuate it. (Speaking of punctuation…I know mine’s the worst. Just bite down on something and struggle through it). When Mom was really feeling up to doling out pain she would burst into my room singing “Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! It’s time to rise and shine!” This is an actual song with more than one verse. I got the full song. All of it. In college, I learned to turn the ringer off on my dorm phone because my dear mother would call early on a Saturday morning singing “Good morning! Good morning!” I had a roommate, mind you. Fast forward and I’m a married woman with children and my mother comes to visit.
“Let’s get up early and have coffee on the patio!” she suggested with real anticipation and pleasure.
I’d beg off but she’d insist.
She’d bang around noisily in the kitchen so you HAVE to wake up. Then I’d sit out on the patio and drink my coffee. Mom would talk and talk and expect actual conversation to happen.
“First coffee….then talkie…” I’d explain in as few words as possible.
“Since when were you not a morning person?” she asked.
I just glared at her, trying to figure out if she was serious or pulling my leg.
“Since never. I’ve never been a morning person, Mother. Never. Ever.”
It turns out there is a legit and medical reason that I’m not an early riser. I have sleep apnea! No, it doesn’t mean that I snore loudly. I mean, it does but that’s not why sleep apnea is bad. You actually stop breathing in your sleep. Breathing is sort of important and this Not Breathing can cause all kinds of health issues which, thankfully, I do not have…yet…but it sure does make me a bear to deal with in the morning.
One Mother’s Day, my Man gifted me with a Keurig. This Keurig is special, not just because it makes coffee but, because of it’s location. I keep the Keurig on my nightstand. I tried to arrange it so that I don’t even have to get out of bed in the a.m., mug and coffee-pod preset each night before going to sleep. Problem is that I like sugar and cream in my coffee and Man draws the line at a bedside mini fridge. It’s ok though because what usually wakes me up is my bladder. With a full bladder, I get up and prepare my mug with cream and sugar, scurry back to the Keurig to set the mug and pod, then I start the Keurig and scurry to the bathroom. This way the coffee is peculating while I empty my bladder. I then enjoy my coffee in bed while working on Words With Friends, work emails, and perusing social media.
It may surprise you that I wake up very early. Sometimes before the sun is up. I just don’t speak or get out of bed (sans the mug set and potty) until 9 a.m. Of course there are exceptions. Sometimes I have to do Mom Duty (it’s kind of my job) and drive my youngest son to school. HE knows that I’m not a morning person. He knows not to speak if I’ve not had my coffee. He knows his life is in peril if there’s talkie before coffee. The only other thing that might get me out of bed before coffee is when my neighbor texts offering coffee AND breakfast. She’s an amazing cook. Plus, me not cooking is a very big bonus for all.
Now that my sons are teenagers, no one in my house is an early riser. Not even my dogs. Well…not true. Sasha is a golden retriever which means she’s perpetually perky and she really loves to be outside but once she’s out, she leaves you alone. Drake (rot/lab mix) cares not for the outdoors nor for awake things. He sleeps in with the rest of the family. Praise be. Oh! There is one early riser in my home. The cat, Smee. That’s very likely just do to the fact that she’s a cat and causing others pain naturally brings her great pleasure. Hm. Mom, maybe Smee-cat is your spirit animal?
Anywhoo….despite the fact that it is a truth universally acknowledged, that I am NOT a morning person, the morning people in my life keep waking me up and expecting me to DO things. (I guess I should be capitalizing that, huh? Morning People. They are a species unto themselves and therefore it should be treated as a proper noun, I think). For instance, this very morning….
TEXT FROM V, 6:50 a.m.
OK, usually I’m up by then but I had a particularly active night of apnea episodes last night. I put my CPAP mask on but I woke up with it off at some point so I don’t know how long it stayed on.
V: Not sure what your day brings today but do you want to walk and coffee or just walk or just coffee?
People. Is she serious? First of all, a “walk” in my hood is The Loop which is 3.5 miles. At 6:50 in the morning before coffee?!
Me: I need to walk but, as I just got up my focus is on coffee. So I guess it depends on when you come over, which I will prefer.
V: I’m moving and can make it to your house in 20 minutes! What do you think? Shake out the cobwebs girl!
V: Do you want me to pick up Tomari’s (local coffee house) and bring it to you or do you want me to pick up YOU and go to Tomari’s?
M: Just come over. My bedside Keurig has brewed me a cup. I can make you one too and then we have coffee in bed. These are the ways of my people.
End Text Thread
It was not long before there was a knock at my door and, I think I recall, a “Toodle Loo!” I have manners. I got out of bed and hugged my friend who insists on doing things early with me and pointed to the cabinet where she could find a mug. She was chatting the whole time and joyfully followed me back to my room.
“Oo! There’s like a step!” she said as she climbed into my sleigh bed.
She then talked to me about many things, the details I don’t quite remember but, I do know we talked about ski school. V takes the kids with her son. Definitely an early risers gig. Then my mom called. Mom knows V and so I put her on speaker phone. The three of us had a lengthy (and lovely) conversation and then V asked me to help her with some social media things. V is…older than me, younger than Mom. K. I’ll say that. She is about the size of a 14 year old and is full of energy. So much energy! She’s a freakin’ hoot and half! Oh! V is the one who knitted sweaters for my chickens because chicken sweaters are RIGHT up her alley! Anywhoo… she is of the age where social media is new and tricky.
“So how do you do find the things you’ve liked on Pinterest? Did you see that my daughter set me up on Instagram? Show me how that works!”
We spent about an hour having a crash course on these, the two media outlets V participates with. By the way seniors, I am happy to come and tutor you in social media if you ever want. Did you know there are privacy settings? Very important to learn about.
I was just about to suggest to V that we take a picture so I could show her how to post it on Instagram and how to tag me in it but I needed to physically get out of bed and dress to go to my volunteer job. I walked V out and went to the bathroom to put in my contacts and brush my teeth.
Here’s another bit of info about me: I’m blind. Legally blind. No, they can’t do surgery. I can’t recall why but my eyes are too jacked up. “But don’t worry! They are coming up with new advancements every year!” My contacts provide the best vision for me but one eye can not be helped anymore than it already is. I mean, there’s no higher prescription for that eye than I’m already using. I have glasses but, because the lens in my glasses is not up against my eye, I can’t see very well with them. Can’t really read with them on and I can’t drive well with them. I can maneuver about my house though. There’s a point to this…
I put in my contacts and wiped the excess saline from my eyes and, lo, coming from the right corner of my mouth was dried drool all the way to my chin.
Oh my stars! That is significant! That is a significant amount of drool! Dried! To my face! Why didn’t V say anything?!
Text With V
Me: OMG! There was dried drool on my face.
V: Ewwww! I’m glad I was on your right side and didn’t see it! Or thank God for poor vision. Not sure which.
M: It was on the right. Dried drool. Like….a lot!
V: Oh well then it’s my vision. Aren’t you glad you were in bed with me and not a gorgeous hunk of a man?!
End Text Thread
Forget a gorgeous hunk of a man. I almost sent a selfie out into Instagram with V and I. We would’ve both been too blind to have seen the drool. Oh my lands. What if I had agreed to go to Tomari’s with her? I would’ve been in PUBLIC with dried drool on my face!!!
Let sleeping dogs lie. There is no good reason to get “up and at ’em” before one is good and ready. Also, selfies are bad. Finally, social media needs an age limit and I think I may have hit it.