About a month ago, Man texted me a question.
“Are you interested in a Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness class?”
I mean who wouldn’t be interested? Either you have genuine concern of a Zombie attack or you would want to go out of curiosity. Man signed the whole family up. The boys were stoked!
It is a little known fact that I am blind with out an optical aid. This is not an exaggeration. In fact, the vision in my left eye has gotten so bad that the vision can not be corrected any further by glasses or contacts. So it was probably really stupid of me to not put my glasses on when I got up to use the restroom last night.
I shuffled my way through our room and slid my hand up and down on the bathroom wall to turn the light on. In the process, I somehow knocked over a potted orchid in our bathroom. It fell on my foot and broke into little pieces. Man burst into the bathroom to see what happened.
“Are you OK? How’d this happen?”
“I don’t have my glasses on,” I answered.
“Are you bleeding?”
“I don’t know. I don’t have my glasses on. My foot hurts though.”
Man brought me my glasses and I was in fact bleeding. He picked up the broken pot and I cleaned my wound. It was a small cut, about the length of my pinky nail. There was a shard of pottery sticking out of it that I pulled out but there was still a little something peeking out. Man took a pair of tweezers and tried to remove it.
“Babe, this is like part of your anatomy,” he said. “It’s fleshy.”
“Oh. Well, then we should leave that.”
He finished the job with a Mickey Mouse band aid and we went to bed.
In the morning, my foot was killing me. I had a full day of running the kids to school, the grocery store, an Oral Interpretation contest at the school, voice lessons and Oh, Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness class. After knocking out the first two things on my To Do List I PM’d Man…
“My foot is killing me.”
“I think it probably could of used stitches.”
“Probably but it would have just been one…” he reasoned.
“Now I’ll be gimpy and the Zombie’s will catch me first.”
“Well, at least the boys and I will make it.”
While doing Jekyll and Hyde, I had a terrible cold and cough. To make it through my performance the doctor prescribed me a steroid and a half dose of vicodin to suppress my cough. I still had a bunch of that left, since I only took two of the prescribed pills. I thought I could take that for my wound. I popped the pain killer and limped around while doing my chores and then headed to the school for Oral Interp. About half way through Oral Interp I felt a soothing wave of warmth of serenity pass over me, like I’d just dipped myself into a hot bubble bath.
Oh no. The vicodin just kicked in…
When I had taken it during the show, it merely took care of what it was prescribed to do. I think I was too sick for any pleasantness it may have been able to offer me. I leaned over to my friend Carri and told her what I had done and was experiencing.
“This is so wrong, but Oral Interp is much more enjoyable on vicodin!” I whispered.
For the most part things went on with out incident. I may have laughed a little too loud at a few things and I had a hard time stifling giggles through the recitation of The Owl And The Pussycat but other wise no one would be the wiser. By the time Oral Interp was over, my foot no longer hurt and the silly feeling had worn off. I had a great urge to take a nap, however I had voice lessons. I felt like one of The Real Housewives of Orange County or something.
“I’m sorry I’m so drowsy for voice lessons but an orchid fell and cut my foot so I had a vicodin before my voice lesson.” I mean seriously. Thankfully, I made it through my day and my family’s fun evening of Zombie business was soon to begin.
Man took us all to eat and then it was off to ZAP. Bug was dressed in all camo and an army helmet. He had worn the same get up to school for his recitation of “Generals” for Oral Interp. He marched ahead of us through the streets of downtown chanting “Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!” The class was hosted by REI and Starbucks. I figured I should not imbibe in anymore stimulants and opted in hot cocoa instead of the free coffee. They began the class with a viewing of Michael Jackson’s Thriller. The kids had never seen it before. I told them that it was the first music video I had ever seen.
“You’ve NEVER seen a music video?!” Buddy asked in shock.
“No! I mean this was the first one I had ever seen. I was in like 2nd or 3rd grade. Saw it at my friend April’s house.”
“This is ridiculous. Zombie’s can barely run let alone dance,” Bug groused.
“If you see a Zombie dancing, Bug, that’s your chance to put a bullet in its head,” suggested Buddy.
“Oh…she was only dreaming…” Bug sighed with relief as the video came to an end. Michael Jackson comforted his girlfriend from her nightmare. He looks over his shoulder at the camera and his eyes turn
into glowing cat eyes. The boys gasped in shock.
“See boys, the lesson here is ‘never trust Michael Jackson.’ Especially children. You got that?” I teased.
The course was taught by a very funny guy who gave us the background on Zombies and many helpful survival tips. Seriously, there was a lot of information that you could use in a real life situation. I’m not sure what would cause me to be with out water, food, and such but…it could happen. The best info I got all night was that things decay faster in high altitudes so if there WERE a Zombie Apocalypse, “head for the hills” is a truly wise suggestion. Their decaying bodies won’t last long up here AND they have difficulty managing this terrain. Also thought if one needs to hide a dead body, it would be best to do so on a high mountain because then, hopefully, your evidence will disappear faster. These are the thoughts one has in a ZAP class.
Class ended and we headed home, listening to Buddy complain about the inaccuracy of the program’s information the whole way. As we drove into the mountains an idea slithered into my head…
“Babe, wake me up early with you tomorrow. I’m going to put make up on to look like a Zombie and scare the kids!”
I text Alicia my idea. If anyone would appreciate this Evil Genius, it would be her.
“Bahaha! Yes! As long as you don’t forget the video camera,” she responded.
“Man thinks my plan will backfire,” I texted her.
“Like they may hit, kick or stab me.”
“Yeah…I guess there’s that. I know mine would for sure. But it’s totally worth the bruises.”
“In class tonight they demonstrated how one can knock a Zombie’s head off with a frying pan.”
“Just stay between you and the kitchen.”
“I think I can take ’em.”
“Only one AWESOME way to find out!”
“Oh it’s happening.”
Yeah…I love how my friends never try to hold me back…from stupid things.
“Alicia, sometimes I’m not sure if I’m totally screwy or a total bad ass. It really is a fine line.”
“It is. I think that will be decided with how well you come out of it.”
“True. Like the guy who attacks the robber. If he gets injured or killed, he’s an idiot. If he overtakes him, he’s a hero.”
“I await the verdict in the morning.”
“It’ll be a defining moment to be sure.”
About 10 minutes later I get another text from Alicia:
“I just can’t WAIT to wake up! I want pics and video!!”
I too was excited about my plan. I woke up about 4 times because I wasn’t so sure that Man would wake me up to execute my plan. He didn’t but I heard him getting ready and so I dashed into the bathroom to grab all of my makeup supplies and took it all to the basement bathroom so he could still get ready. In about 5 minutes I looked like this:
Man was heading out the door.
“Aren’t you going to kiss me goodbye?” I asked.
“Um…well…I don’t want to mess up your makeup.”
“You won’t,” I promised and I gave him a peck goodbye.
“You’re a pretty awesome mom.”
“We’ll see…” I said.
And then…I waited…
Buddy got up first and started to make his breakfast. I slowly walked into the kitchen.
“Hey Mom!” he said with out looking up.
I slowly turned toward him…
“Aaaaagh!” he screamed and jumped backward. I broke character and cracked up laughing. “Woah! If I’d had a gun I’d have put a bullet in your head!” he angrily stage whispered. And then he hugged me. “That was pretty cool Mom. You got me. Can I get Bug up?”
“Not yet,” I said.
Finally the time came…
Bug was reading in his bed but Buddy didn’t want to miss his response so before he left we went into his room together.
“Bug, your brother is leaving.”
“Bye Buddy,” he said without looking up from his book.
“Bug…” I said in a creepy voice.
Bug looked up at me and narrowed his eyes.
“What the heck? Mom…I know you just have on make up. And who would put make up on this early in the morning anyway?” and he went back to his reading.
So I think the results are that I’m awesome to one kid and an idiot to the other. Happy Halloween y’all!