This week I have really been noting the difference a year makes. This time last year was a very low and dark time for me. I had not realized the toll it had taken on Man but have caught him “flinching” from time to time at certain behaviors.
Due to my rehearsal schedule my diet has been a little different and the times of day that I’m eating are askew. Lately, lunch has been large and late in the day and so I’m not hungry for dinner. This is fine for me because I don’t really have time to sit down and eat it after preparing a meal for my family.
The other night I noshed on a few cucumber slices before heading out the door for rehearsal.
“Why aren’t you eating dinner?” Man asked.
I explained that I’d had a large salad at 2 and was still not hungry. Later I realized that he was worried that I’d lost my appetite again. For him it was a flash back to last year when eating was just not a priority. I didn’t care to be nourished because I didn’t care to go on. That and I just couldn’t muster the energy to go through the trouble of preparing myself a meal.
This week I went grocery shopping. When I got home I got out of the car and immediately proceeded to unload the groceries. That may not seem like a big deal but as I carried my bags up the stairs I was taken with how easy it was.
Last fall I would buy groceries and then sit in my car for about 5 minutes trying to will myself to drive home. Once parked in my driveway, I’d sit another 5 minutes mustering the energy to bring everything in. I’d put the groceries away and then crumble to the floor of the pantry and cry.
Everything was a huge fete. What I wanted to do, what I could do and what I often did, was lay on my bed.
I recognized that Man’s query into my diet was a mental health check.
“Hey. I’m good! I’m just really busy. Can’t you tell the difference?”
“Well, yeah but….I just wanted to make sure…”
Yikes. My poor Love!
But really, how incredibly powerful grief is. What a strange process. It’s different for each of us and the duration is as well. I’m so glad to be on the other side of it. Praise God for new mornings!