As soon as the calendar changed over to March, a light melancholy fog fell over me. A few days into the month I realized that the pending anniversary of Grandma’s death was near. Can you believe it’s been a year? It’s still so raw.
That first week of March was also Tech Week for our show and my sister was coming to visit the next week. I had great big huge distractions, which were fabulous!
As the days progressed I could feel Grandma coming into my peripheral more and more.
We ran the show and it was great and fun and all of the reasons why I perform!
Then it was over.
There is always this Post-show-depression. It’s hard to be going full steam ahead for weeks and then BAM! You’re done. Pile on exhaustion from being up until midnight every night for a week (and not up watching TV or reading in bed but up until midnight dancing and singing and working your butt off) and Grandma’s death peek-a-booing in your mind, preparation for company and…yeah. I am beyond exhausted.
Monday I reluctantly woke up to help the boys get out the door on time. I fed my kids as well as my sister’s, took them out to feed the chickens and then plopped their little butts in front of the TV so I could just lay down. Later that day they went to play on the sled hill and I took a three hour nap. It was GLORIOUS!
Though I felt rested, when I woke up I felt overwhelmed with sadness. I fought my tears as I assessed my emotional state. It was all too familiar: exhaustion, nausea, aching chest, need for seclusion. I was depressed and anxious. Again.
This is situational. I kept reminding myself. It’s the end of a show. It’s Grandma’s death. It’s lack of rest. You are not clinically depressed.
I was also super sad because there had been sound problems on the show and for the umpteenth time I was told, “The show was great. Wish I could’ve heard your solo.” It was kind of devastating to hear after all of the work put in and time away from my family to learn that I was not able to fully share my efforts with the friends and family who came to see it. Tech week I literally only saw my children in the hour before they left for school and I did not see my husband awake but one time when we passed each other in our cars on the road. Then they saw me perform. Just saw me. Not heard me.
So I laid on my couch and had a little cry for my frustrations, for the end of the show and for the loss of the Grandmother/best friend who I would’ve called on a day like that.
Looking ahead: I have a Fall show I’ll be auditioning for in April. Also, in April I’ll be taking my week long trip to Paris that Grandma’s inheritance is funding. I’m putting away the Evening On Broadway music and pulling out the pieces I’ll work on for the audition. How To Speak French CDs will be looping in the car now.
First I’ll need to power through this week. She passed on the 14th and was buried on St. Patty’s Day. Pretty sure I’m going to party on St. Patrick’s Day. Yep. I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing that.
P.S. Castmates: I miss you. Who wants to come over for a game/movie night?