I’m taking an anti-anxiety medication. It seemed to have diminished the more physical manifestations of anxiety but I still needed tweaking. So then I was prescribed an anti-depressant. Guess what one of the side-effects is.
So now I am back where I started. I talked to Man about possibly going off the meds.
“I know you don’t like them anyway but that means that Other Me will probably be coming back. Can you be OK with that?” I asked Man.
“Babe, I don’t see the medication doing much for you anyway. I mean, I guess you’re more mellow but….you still aren’t yourself.”
I talked with Caren about it in her kitchen and from her kitchen to her couch. She ripped out an ad in one of her magazines and handed it to me.
“Here, this made me think of you. Read the top.”
It was an ad for an anti-depressant that doesn’t take 6 weeks to start to work. I flipped the ad over to read all of its side effects. One was weight gain. Not doin’ it. That’s the fastest way to get me down. It listed the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder. First of all, the name just makes me laugh. It just sounds….very un-medical.
Sadness, loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, thoughts of death or suicide, and feelings of guilt or worthlessness. Physical symptoms can include restlessness or slowness of speech, thought, or activity; trouble concentrating or making decisions; lack of energy; and changes in weight/appetite or sleep. Associated symptoms of depression may include aches and pains, tearfulness, constant worry, dwelling on negative thoughts, constantly turning things over in your mind, irritability, and anxiety.
I read them to Caren.
“That’s me,” I said.
“Yeah but, aren’t those also the symptoms of grief? I’m not saying you don’t have depression. It sounds like how you get in the Spring…”
“Yeah, but I was in my Spring Thing and then Grandma died and I feel like it just snowballed.”
Here’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking I haven’t been myself for nearly a year. With the meds, I’m still not myself. I’m different but not me. I’m thinking that I need to wean myself off the drugs and just grieve. I will have to work hard to be present for my family. I will still see my therapist and I will have to also allow myself to go through this process.
Things that make me happy no matter what:
- Being in Man’s arms
- Buddy’s thoughtfulness
- Swinging with Bug
- Holding a baby
- Babbling brooks
- My dogs (Even when they are naughty I just adore them!)
- Sitting in Caren’s kitchen
- One on one or two on one time with friends (More than that and I want to bolt.)
- Playing piano
- The stage (Back or center.)
I hate the drugs but I am afraid of letting them go. I’m afraid to fall back in that pit but I’m more afraid of not walking through it. Sometimes you have to walk through the fire. I’ve not really had to do that in my life so….here it is.