Glitter Bombs

Last night at dinner it was mentioned that gay men were Glitter Bombing politicians who oppose same-sex marriage. 

“How do they do it?”  I asked.  “Is the glitter in a balloon or something?”

“No…there’s no water involved and if a balloon just had glitter in it…it wouldn’t work.”

“Yeah, it would just bounce off of them.  Hm…maybe in an egg like confetti eggs?”

However it happened, I loved the idea of getting bombed by glitter and immediately began imagining a dance routine where the audience gets Glitter Bombed.  It would be amazing!  Especially if I could dance the way I do in my imagination.

As soon as I was home I did research on Google.  I learned that Glitter Bombers simply throw the glitter onto their “victim.”  I also learned that Glitter Bombing is considered assault and Battery with the chance of serving up to six months in jail and a fine of up to $1000.

Seriously?

I imagined myself a politician preparing to make a speech.  In my peripheral I catch sight of an approaching man, pain and anger in his wild eyes.  He raises his arm and then…*bling*…glitter bursts from his fist of fury!  I try to restrain myself from throwing my head back, face towards the heavens, stretching my arms out and doing a slow “the hills are alive” spin under the shower of sparkles.  Instead I sputter to try to get the glitter off of my lips.  A few bits cling to my eyelashes.  Worse case scenario: a bit actually gets in my eye.  I call to my assistant who douses my eye with saline and flushes the offensive sparkle from my eye.  Then comes the hard part.  Despite 5-10 days of washing, I still can not remove all of the glitter.  I catch a flash of light as some still clings to my scalp, is found in my ear and my suit never truly recovers.

Assault and Battery.  I don’t care what your stance in on gay-rights but anyone with sense can see that this is punishment does not fit the crime.  Even the PETA folks who throw red paint on people and there was a guy who threw an egg on Arnold Schwarzenegger, should maybe get a night in the county jail and a hefty fine.  They should pay for damage caused but six months prison time would be ridiculous!  Especially for Glitter Bombing.  That causes no damage to a person or their clothes.  If anything their suits are improved upon!

A surly man in prison for robbing and beating an 88-year-old woman gets in the face of the New Guy.

“Whatchya in for?” he growls.

The New Guy coyly looks up at the Grandma Beater and says, “Glitter.”

Note to Glitter Bombers: if found in said scenario maybe come up with a better answer than that.  At least say Assault and Battery.  Or do your best Jack Nicholson and shout “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” right in his face and then storm off.  But storm off as Jack Nicholson and less like Bette Midler.

Brace yourselves:

Olivia Ward and Hannah Curlee: Assaulted
President Obama: Assaulted
That’ll teach them to say “I do.” Assaulted
Mom assaulted by her toddler armed with a Confetti Egg

  OK, Confetti Eggs were a big seller at my son’s school carnivals.  Though they do not cause lasting injury they do rather smart when smashed onto the head.  This may actually be able to qualify as assault.  Sorry little Bobby…

 
Fellow Americans, let us please allow common sense to reign in our country.  Let’s all just:   remember: Sticks and stones may break my bones but glitter never hurt anyone.
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About buddyandbug

Man and I moved from Texas to Colorado with Buddy and Bug. This blog is a chronicle of our adventures as we deal with homesickness and adjust to Mountain Living. “If you are a dreamer,come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!” ~ Shel Silverstein
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